


If you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did

by PearlRuby



Category: Ratched (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Slight Canon Divergence, missing scene from 1×05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlRuby/pseuds/PearlRuby
Summary: Set during the dance in 1×05. Mildred decides to give Gwendolyn her dance.
Relationships: Gwendolyn Briggs/Mildred Ratched
Comments: 25
Kudos: 84





	If you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did

**Author's Note:**

> So I know that there are loads of Mildolyn dance fics, but there will never be too many for me because I DESPERATELY wanted to see them dance together in the show. Fingers crossed for next season. But for now, I've contented myself with writing this. Hope you like it. 
> 
> Title is a line from the song 'Cinnamon Girl' by Lana Del Ray. The end of this fic reminded me of it.

“ _Look at us just standing here. We should be out there on the floor.”_

_“Yes. Maybe someday.”_

The small exchange echoes in Mildred’s mind. She stares out over the floor full of dancing couples, trying to picture herself and Gwendolyn amongst them. When she’d asked Gwendolyn to the dance, she hadn’t given much thought to the idea of actually dancing with her. It was impossible, and, at any rate, her mind had been far too taken up with the plans for Edmund’s little performance to give much consideration to anything else. But now, with soft music playing, and Gwendolyn standing beside her looking so beautiful it almost hurts, she finds herself swept away imagining what it would be like to dance in Gwendolyn’s arms, to hold her close and sway to the sound of violins. 

She hooks her pinkie around Gwendolyn’s, amazed at how her skin seems to painlessly burn from this slight touch, even through both of their gloves. She wonders if Gwendolyn feels it, too. 

“Come with me.” Mildred whispers, struck by a sudden idea. Gwendolyn turns to look at her, blinking fast as though she’s just come out of a trance. 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“Come with me.” Mildred repeats. Gwendolyn looks a little confused, but she nods. Mildred glances around quickly, checking for anyone looking in their direction, but all of the couples on the floor are too focused on each other to pay them any attention. Pinkies still joined, Mildred leads Gwendolyn out of the room and along the corridor. Right at the end, she finds the room she’s looking for, opens the door and pulls Gwendolyn inside. It’s a janitors’ closet, empty apart from a bucket, mop, and a couple of brooms. It’s hardly the perfect place for what Mildred has planned, but it will have to do. 

“Mildred, what are we doing in here?” Gwendolyn asks tentatively as Mildred closes the door behind them. Mildred turns to face her, a sheepish expression on her face. 

“Well, you said you wanted to dance, and since we can’t out there, I thought we could do it by ourselves, in here. I know it’s not ideal, but …” Her voice trails off; now that she’s voicing it out loud, this idea sounds ridiculous. Gwendolyn must think she’s absurd, suggesting they dance in a tiny closet full of cobwebs. But Gwendolyn is smiling, a smile filled with so much warmth that Mildred’s misgivings are melted away. 

“It’s perfect.” Gwendolyn steps a little closer, her hand held out. “Dance with me?” 

Heart pounding, Mildred nods, taking Gwendolyn’s hand and closing the distance between them. They can still faintly hear music coming from the party, and Gwendolyn begins to sway to it, placing a hand on Mildred’s back and holding her close. Mildred follows Gwendolyn’s lead, her mind too full to pay much attention to moving her feet. This is the closest she’s ever been to Gwendolyn, and it’s intoxicating. Mildred feels as though all her senses have been heightened; the press of Gwendolyn’s body, the blue of her eyes, the mingled scent of perfume and cigarettes that surrounds her, is all overwhelming, and yet Mildred finds herself craving even more of it. Her heart is beating so hard that she’s sure Gwendolyn must be able to feel it, and she takes a deep breath, desperately trying to steady herself. 

“I wish there was more room in here.” Gwendolyn muses quietly after a moment. “It’s too small to do much except sway. I’d like to do a proper dance with you, a waltz or a foxtrot or something.” 

Mildred gives a small laugh, a blush creeping over her cheeks. 

“I’m afraid you’re vastly overestimating my abilities. This is about as much dancing as I’m capable of.” 

Gwendolyn chuckles and gives Mildred’s hand a small squeeze. 

“Maybe one day I could teach you?” Mildred’s heart rate quickens at the idea of that, and she nods. 

For now, though, they continue simply to sway, turning in small circles in the tiny closet. At this point, Mildred is convinced that Gwendolyn’s arms are all that’s keeping her upright; the other woman’s presence is so heady that Mildred feels as though her entire body has turned to jelly. After a while, she decides that Gwendolyn simply isn’t close enough, and so, seized by a moment of courage, she leans in and rests her forehead against Gwendolyn’s. Gwendolyn’s eyes flutter closed, and they stay like that until the end of the song. 

As the far-off music fades away completely, Mildred grips Gwendolyn a little more tightly. She isn’t quite ready to let her go, for this magical moment to end. Gwendolyn pulls back just a little, staring into Mildred’s eyes so intently that Mildred momentarily forgets how to breathe. 

“Mildred,” Gwendolyn’s voice is barely above a whisper. “Can I kiss you?” 

Mildred’s breath catches in her throat. She can’t deny that she’s thought about this, imagined what it would be like to feel Gwendolyn’s lips against her own. When she was being intimate with the hitman, those fantasies had sprung themselves upon her, confusing, terrifying and delightful all at once. It would be so easy to make them a reality now, to lean in and press her lips to Gwendolyn’s, but she’s scared. Scared of how much she wants this, scared of what it means, and, perhaps most of all, scared of disappointing Gwendolyn. She’s kissed people before, sometimes against her will, sometimes as a means to an end, but she’s never found someone she actually _wanted_ to kiss before. And now that she has, she’s terrified that she’ll do it wrong, that Gwendolyn will decide she’s too clumsy and inexperienced and leave her for someone more satisfactory. She can’t bear the thought of that happening. 

“Not right now.” She breathes, then hurries to explain herself. “I want to, I do, but it’s just a bit too much for me right now. I need a little more time to process everything. I’m sorry.” 

Gwendolyn lifts a hand to Mildred’s face, and gently strokes her thumb along her cheekbone. 

“It’s ok, you don’t have to explain. We can take things at your pace. I told you I understood, remember?” 

They stay still for a little while, Gwendolyn’s thumb still stroking Mildred’s face. The small gesture helps to calm Mildred, ground her, and she’s able to think things over a little more clearly. Gwendolyn is right here in front of her, looking radiant in the low light, and who knows when they’ll get another moment like this. If she can just start slowly, then maybe she can be brave enough to give in to what she wants. 

“Gwendolyn,” she whispers. “Don’t move.” 

Slowly, cautiously, Mildred leans in and presses a kiss to the hinge of Gwendolyn’s jaw. Gwendolyn closes her eyes, and Mildred gains confidence, pressing another kiss a little further along, and then another. It’s not much, but it’s a start, and her fear gradually subsides as she makes her way along Gwendolyn’s jawline. Eventually, she reaches Gwendolyn’s chin, and, taking a moment to gather her courage, she lifts her head slightly and gently brushes her lips against Gwendolyn’s. 

It’s as though lightning has shot through her whole body. A fire ignites low in her stomach, and her entire being seems to hum in the most maddening, delicious way. Mildred feels her head swimming, baffled that the barest touch of lips against lips can cause this feeling. She jumps away from Gwendolyn, shocked by the response of her own body, and tries to force herself to breath normally. Gwendolyn looks at her, concern written all over her face. 

“Mildred, are you alright?” 

Mildred nods shakily, swallowing hard. 

“I’ll be ok. Just … give me a minute.” 

Gwendolyn nods, and they stand in silence as Mildred tries to compose herself. Her mind is still reeling, and she’s almost overcome by the urge to crush her lips to Gwendolyn’s and consume her. But she’s afraid that if she does, that electrifying feeling will completely overwhelm her, and she doesn’t know how her body will be able to contain it. She wishes that she could be braver, stronger, that she could be the kind of person that Gwendolyn deserves. But that’s impossible; she’s too weak, too broken, to ever be worthy of someone like Gwendolyn Briggs. She worries at her lower lip, cursing herself, and it’s a moment before she realises that there are tears running down her face. 

“Mildred?” Gwendolyn’s panicked voice reaches her from a million miles away. “Mildred, what’s the matter?” 

Mildred shakes her head, frantically brushing the tears away with the back of her hand. 

“It’s nothing. I just ... I’m not very good at all this.” 

Gwendolyn takes a cautious step towards her. 

“Mildred … can I hold you? Is that ok? You don’t have to talk right now.” 

Mildred hesitates; she desperately wants Gwendolyn’s arms around her, but she isn’t sure that she wants Gwendolyn so close to her when she’s in such a state. But the kind, earnest look on Gwendolyn’s face causes her to crumble, and she nods. Next thing she knows, she’s wrapped in a tight embrace, her head tucked under Gwendolyn’s chin. The feeling of Gwendolyn’s body against hers is warm and comforting, and Mildred melts into it, amazed at how right this feels. She’s not used to being held like this; she can’t remember if her own mother had ever hugged her, and she’s certain that none of her foster parents ever did. Sometimes, as children, she and Edmund would crawl into each other’s beds and huddle close together, both in need of a reminder that they weren’t alone in this hellish world. But even that stopped during their time in the last house; the acts they were forced to perform together on stage made them both loath to touch each other at other times. Now, though, with Gwendolyn holding her close and murmuring comforting words, she feels more secure than she ever has in her life, and she clings to the other woman long after her tears have stopped. 

“Are you ok now?” Gwendolyn asks, pulling back a little to look at Mildred’s face. Mildred nods, and gives a shaky smile. 

“We should probably head back,” Gwendolyn sighs. “People will be noticing that we’re gone.” 

Mildred wants to protest. She doesn’t want to go back out into a world that tells her it’s wrong to want the person who makes her feel this safe and cared for, a world where she has to watch countless couples hold each other openly, without having to resort to hiding in a janitor’s closet. But she knows that Gwendolyn is right. They’ve been gone for so long that people must be starting to get suspicious, and at any rate, she needs to get back to see that Edmund’s spectacle goes as planned. So she breaks free of Gwendolyn’s hold, and turns to push the closet door open. 

“Mildred?” Gwendolyn says quietly. Mildred turns her head. “Thank you. For the dance. It really meant a lot to me.” 

Mildred smiles and nods. As she walks out into the corridor, Gwendolyn close behind her, her mind spins with everything that’s just occurred. She had danced with Gwendolyn, been held by her, all but kissed her! It’s more than she has any idea how to process. And in spite of the chaos she knows will be unfolding at the dace before too long, the thing that most occupies her mind is the question of when she’ll get the chance to be in Gwendolyn’s arms again.

**Author's Note:**

> So I was SO conflicted writing this because I really wanted to write them having a proper first kiss, but their first kiss in the show was so perfect and I knew I couldn't do any better, so I sort of compromised. I'm still not sure if it was the right choice, but oh well. 
> 
> Comments give me life, so let me know your thoughts :-)


End file.
